“This is your captain speaking. We are currently cruising at 30,000 feet and shortly the cabin staff will begin serving drinks.”

How many times have you heard words like those, and yearned to be saying them yourself? Doesn’t the cool, calm, and collected tone of your captain’s voice instill a certain sense of security and well-being, that must make even the most nervous, and phobic, of flyers rest easy?

“Due to strong head winds on the in-bound leg we now expect to be outside the terminal at 10:30pm rather than 9:30pm.” Or, “Take off this afternoon has been slightly delayed while we await the final off sign of our departure paperwork.”

See, it’s always someone else’s fault, never yours! The job’s all spin, isn’t it? Even I could do that. I bet elocution lessons are part of “flight” training, and as captain, you are probably given a book containing all the lines you’ll ever need to calm and reassure your patients passengers.

I once wanted to be an airline pilot. I once believed (still do, actually) there was a certain… romance in air travel. Of late night departures, taxying along runways guided only by the edge lights, and watching as the glow of the city far below vanishes into the darkness.

And what did you say was required to become a pilot? A good voice?

Unfortunately though, those of us who think we can talk our way into, and through, a job like this have something else coming. A pyramid like structure, that’s what.

At the bottom of this “pyramid” is a single engine Cessna aircraft. Pretty easy to fly, I’ve even done it myself. A four engine Boeing 747, located at the top of the pyramid, is another matter though.

And no, the control tower could not talk a novice through landing one of those babies if the pilot became incapacitated, as Hollywood script writers would have us believe.

So make that an inverted pyramid structure, where working your way to the top involves travelling a path that, when viewed from the ground looking up, is above your head, not below your feet. And unless you are a fly (no pun intended) with sticky, feet you are more than likely to fall should you take a wrong step.

And, sadly, a good bedside manner just isn’t enough to reach the top.

But would you really want to get to the top? This is literally a job that requires travel, and being thousands of miles from home on Christmas day, your kids birthdays, and at the weekend. You don’t clock in at 9am, or run for the bus at 5pm, in this kind of gig either.

There’s jet-lag, fast turn arounds, and while there are exotic locations aplenty, there’s no time to see them. And if you thought an office cubicle was constricted trying spending the duration of a 24 hour flight in the confines of a cockpit.

You won’t find me there, I’ll be in economy (unless I can fluke an upgrade), sipping wine and watching Casablanca on the in-flight movie channel. Now there’s air travel romance for you.

Recently a couple of articles have been written about the lessons that bloggers can learn from topics and events that are completely unrelated to blogging.

And who would have thought that Britney Spears shaving her head, or museum exhibits, could be of benefit to blog writers? Well, you’d be surprised.

Similarly, who would have thought people changing careers could take a few pointers, and gain some insights, from those going through a midlife crisis? Once more, you’d be surprised.

Sure many people think the “concept” of a midlife crisis is pathetic, tacky, and even self indulgent, but there are a few things career changers can learn from this “burning of the blood”, or Pon Farr, if you happen to be Vulcan.

1. That yearning for something more
In the context of a midlife crisis this “yearning” usually means a longing for lost youth and vitality.

Rather than pining for something they cannot have back though, career changers can instead aspire to finding more satisfying and fulfilling work.

2. Being bold and adventurous
Another symptom of the midlife crisis is the inordinate desire to break bungee jumping records, or climb Mt. Everest, and those “suffering” somehow seem to find new motivation to try things they’ve never dared do before.

While career changers don’t have to start scaling vertical rock faces, or competing in marathons (unless of course you’d like a new career as a marathon runner) you won’t get very far unless you are willing to break out of your comfort zones and try something new.

3. Reevaluation & self improvement
I can’t think of many people who would label this phase of a midlife crisis so kindly. But that’s exactly what is happening, even if the, shall we say, motivations for such reevaluation, and subsequent “self improvement” are slightly dubious.

For career changers though, there is nothing the least bit dodgy about some reevaluation of life and career goals, and even a little self improvement, through a combination of things like study, work experience, and networking, to bring about a change.

4. Buying that damn Porsche
Ah, the sports car. That indisputable symbol of youth, vitality, and success. Surely just the tonic for a debilitating case of midlife crisis? In the minds eye that is. Or should I say pig’s eye?

While the flash sports car may provide temporary relief, and a short lived ego boost, all a “dream car” does in reality is put a huge dent put in the buyer’s wallet.

Career changers on the other hand, can achieve long term contentment and gratification, by trading up to their dream career.

5. You must be joking
Be prepared to be called a fool. Get ready to be told you’re being ridiculous. Whether you are having a midlife crisis, or changing careers.

If you are changing careers however, ignore such taunts.

You’re not leaving your lifelong partner or family, nor pursuing a potential lover 20 years your junior, dyeing your blond, growing a pony tail, having plastic surgery, or adorning your ears with pirate size earrings, are you?

Now that, me hearties, is ridiculous.

Someone wrote in asking if I was going to cover this one, and I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner, given a former flatmate was a fashion photographer! And what an eye opening experience that was, but I digress…

Well the job description sounds uber cool doesn’t it? Let’s see, take photos of actors, models, celebrities, TV, Radio, and media personalities, not to mention all the fabulous, glamourous “beautiful people” who make the A-List.

You go to all the openings, debuts, launches, lunches, and after parties in town, and what is it you have to do? Take photos! Huh, how hard can that be? Furthermore your work is published in the top fashion magazines, and your photography is the talk of the town.

And then as my former flatmate discovered, there are a whole bunch of extra “perks”. Like the “friendships” with the aforementioned fabulous, glamourous beautiful people, and the over eager wannabe models and B-Listers trying to “get noticed”.

The list goes on, oh, and who else is able to boast about being invited to Nicole Kidman’s house for dinner?

I have a camera, I could have a crack at this. Ok, it’s a very small digital camera, but it has a resolution of 3.2 Megapixels, and it does take photos, what more do you ask?

Well actually just a little more than that…

Like some actual talent and ability for taking photos. And a little charisma so you can “work it baby, work it.” A decent portfolio that will catch the eye of someone like Miranda Priestly is a must. And while we are talking about Miranda Priestly some of her attitude would also go a long to bringing your ambitions to fruition.

And you know about attitude don’t you? Either you have, or you don’t. Looks like my digital cam isn’t going to cut it for me after all. And by the way, yes, size matters in this industry babee.

But then there’s also long hours, countless re-shots, the fabulous, glamourous beautiful people, and other A-Listers who “forget” show up for the shot, or who are three hours “fashionably” late, dah-ling. There are late nights in the dark room, and the countless rejections from Miranda Priestly and her ilk.

So is it really for you?

My old flatmate is a food photographer now. He says food doesn’t talk back, turn up late, nor call at 3 o’clock in the morning to talk incessantly about domestic problems, or final demands from the tax office.

Good food speaks for itself he says, and doesn’t have bad hair days, nor blood shot eyes.

But the best part is he can be tempted by good food without getting into the least bit of trouble with his wife!

Ok, here’s a fun one. Who wouldn’t want to be an Astronaut? It’s pioneering and groundbreaking work. You get to blast off into the wide blue yonder and go places most people (expect for those with a lazy few million dollars), wouldn’t have the remotest hope of coming within several billions miles of.

And then there’s having fun floating above the Earth in a gravity free environment, trying to spot things like the Great Wall of China, and the Sydney Opera House (which should be visible if they’ve kept its tiles pristine white).

And if you’re really lucky, and can get rostered aboard the right rocket, you might even be the first person to set foot on another planet. And that could prove a short cut to your next career, as a celebrity, you know, a star who travelled among the stars, if you play your cards right.

Tempted then are you? Ok, so how does one become an Astronaut, I hear you ask. Well, there are one or two prerequisites.

First up you should at least have the ability to pilot a Jumbo jet (Concorde would be a bonus but is not essential), plus also be familiar with the flight modes of a couple of the latest model jet fighters.

It would also help to have the mental agility of Albert Eienstein, and the constitution of a championship triathlete. You should also be prepared to undergo intrusive medical tests daily, and look forward to “tumble runs”, where you are locked in a small pod, which then is spun around the room at amazing velocity!

You should also enjoy living in conditions akin to a sardine can, and in very close proximity to other people. If you like privacy, and stretching out on the sofa at the end of a long day (whenever days actually end in space - does anyone know?), this job may not be for you.

And if you thought airline food was bad, wait till you try the rocket ship variety. It’s not really food though, it’s a kind of liquid pulp, which you slip through straws out of plastic bags. Mind you, they say it tastes ok, and at least there are no dishes to wash afterwards.

And while pilots will tell you landing a plane is the trickiest part of their job, taking off is the least fun for an Astronaut. Unless you like the feeling of a dozen elephants standing on your chest as you accelerate to Earth escape velocity.

So is it for you? And just going back to the point about being an instant celebrity. Well no, not quite. While the rest us can look forward to 15 seconds of fame, an Astronaut is limited to just ten seconds. That’s the length of the final countdown sequence. After that, I’m sorry, but we’re all watching the rocket, not you!

If you want to be an accountant you go to university for three years. If you want to be a lawyer you go for six. There’s a lot to be said for these university type places isn’t there? Do a degree in your field of interest, and then get a job in your field of interest. Easy, right?

But not quite so if you want to be a… Rock Star. And that’s unfortunate because there’s a lot of people who would like the idea of becoming a Rock Star by doing a degree, in er, Rock Star-ery. If only it were that simple.

But no, it’s just a little harder than that. You need talent, ambition, persistence, charisma, and preferably an ability to work the media. Like Oasis used to. Bigger than the Beatles? Heck no, but did they stir up controversy (read: publicity) with those comments, or what?

As a Rock Star you also need a thick skin. And not just to stop bags developing under your eyes after partying for 21 days and nights non-stop (which is compulsory in this line of work, but the way). You need it so that when (your former friends) the media trash that “difficult second album”, you’ll take all it with a smile, and say “Well, third time lucky, then.”

Being a Rock Star isn’t just about zapping around the world, in a Learjet, playing sell out concerts in super-sized arenas. It’s about dealing with your fans ever declining expectations, as each album succeeding your brilliant “the next Beatles” like debut, slides further and further into mediocrity.

Being a Rock Star isn’t about penning Led Zeppelin “Stairway to Heaven” type classics with each and every album, it’s trying to work out there the creative spark went, and why you can’t write a single decent chorus, let alone song, anymore.

Nor is it about flying to tropical island paradises to record albums, or having queues of groupies waiting outside your hotel room, but rather never being able to walk along the street unrecognised, or being able to buy a coffee without getting mobbed. In fact, you can’t even enter the meat tray raffle at the local pub anymore, because if you win the press will say you rigged the contest!

So I ask, is it really for you? Being a Rock Star requires cool and attitude, something a university degree can neither teach, or impart.

Then again Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones considers the iconic band a business enterprise, not a creative collective. How’s that, then? The original bad boys of rock were in fact working to a business plan, not a desire to rebel.

Righto then, I’m cancelling the guitar lessons, and if I’m quick, I just may be able to grab one of the last places in this year’s accounting intake at the local university…

Acting has to be best job ever, right? I mean you get to work with all those stars, socialise with all those stars (and go to all those decadent parties to boot), and maybe even marry one or two (or five) of those stars. (Just not all at the same time though, please!)

At other times you travel the world, and visit exotic locations to “work”, and stay in five star hotels each night. Then there’s the times you walk the red carpet on premiere night, applauded by an adoring public. Doesn’t leave much time to work on that acceptance speech should when you win that Oscar!

Well all of that may be true, but first you’ve got to get into drama school. (And sometimes that in itself is harder than landing a role in a movie!) Then you have to complete the course and graduate. Then you have to compete for the attention of a casting agent. That is compete with all the other acting graduates, not just from your acting school, but all the other schools as well!

To say nothing of the competition from the experienced actors! And while we’re on the subject, how many out-of-work actors are there again? Why do so many actors refer to that something called their “lucky break”? Even the best known ones? I thought lucky breaks were for other people, not actors!

Sure acting is fun, challenging, and glamourous. Finding acting work however, may not be.

But then again, what’s so glamorous about all those late night shoots? And the early morning shoots? As in 3-am early, shots? How about having to lose 20 kilos for a role? How about having to gain 20 kilos for a role?

And how about all those fans? How about the extra persistent ones, who seem to somehow get hold of your mobile phone number, your address, and your private photo collection, and try and auction the whole lot off over the internet? Ah, the price of fame!

How about having the paparazzi camped on your doorstep, day and night, waiting for that candid, and often less than flattering photo “op”?

So, no, I’m not saying discount acting as a career, (seriously!) if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, but honestly winning millions in lotto just might be easier!

Of course a Hollywood talent scout may be working undercover at your workplace and has already informed his superiors of your hilarious antics at the water cooler.

Excuse me, have to go, I think that is the phone call I’ve been “waiting for”…